Vaudevillain

VV4, 73 - Candy From the Mouth of Babes

Dr. Zlo stomped across the empty streets, his eyes peeled for any manner of tomfoolery. Jacques followed alongside him, hands over their eyes as if peering far into the distance. In the alleyways, villains waited. For what, well that seemed obvious.

Dr. Dobro still hadn’t arrived.

“Right, searching for a mother and child is taking too long,” Dr. Zlo finally said. “Jacques!”

The minions snapped to attention.

“Disguise yourselves!” Dr. Zlo clapped.

The Jacques scrambled, a number crashing into each other as they attempted to enact their leader’s will. Most fell in a heap.

The last two standing looked across to each other, shrugged, then walked out of sight. They returned a minute later in a bad disguise. Mostly because one of the Jacques had attempted to cram himself into a stroller. The minion’s long legs stuck out like antenna on an old television.

The ‘mother’ fared little better with their disguise. A slapdash blond wig draped over the Jacques’ featureless head, doing nothing to mask the minion’s distinctively blank face. The sun dress it wore was also on backwards. Plus, the tag still stuck out.

“Perhaps it would be better to leave disguises up to someone… more qualified?” Ms. Tama requested.

Ms. Tama gave a thin smile. “Right. But this is the last time.”

“Of course!” Dr. Zlo agreed. “Because this time Dr. Dobro will be unable to resist saving these poor innocents from harm!”

With an evil cackle, Dr. Zlo crept over to an available alley and wrapped himself around the corner. Evil eyes poked out from the wall as he idly twirled his mustache. “Any second now…”

Sugar flew through the air like hail in a snowstorm, battering Riptide’s surfboard as he surfed to the side.

“Oh, dude, she’s getting better at this!” the villain laughed.

Sure enough, Saccharine had stopped trying to snipe Riptide out of the sky and had instead moved toward scattershot. Cracked gemstone candy shattered upward in an attempt to lay the villain’s transport low. So far, Riptide had been able to bear the worst of it, but he could see the chip damage slowly accumulating.

“Right, time to surf the swell!” the villain cheered.

He dove, angling his transport away from the attack he’d started. The cannons followed, pelting armor with enhanced sugary goodness. However, the maneuver left Saccharine’s forces split. The hero now had to contend with Riptide on the opposite side of her defenses.

Riptide hadn’t planned for this, but he knew when he could improvise.

“Right, dudes!” Riptide called to his minions. “Let’s tear it up!”

Sharks roared in approval, their jaws snapping as they bayed for blood. Riptide threw open the door, surfing out on a sleek silver board. He’d done a lot to curry favor with the various inventors in Skyline, and this board here was the culmination of his efforts.

A paltry group of heroes moved to intercept the incoming villain and his minions. Many fired guns or missiles, hoping to score a lucky shot. And while a number of minions went down, Riptide himself was unaffected.

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His surfboard conjured a protective shield that had enemy fire slipping past him as if he were nothing more than air. Shark minions only charged harder once blood was in the air, their natural bloodlust overcoming their common sense.

“What’s up, chums!” Riptide cackled as he flew over the small squad of heroes.

He hoped they understood the pun when the sharks crashed into them.

Riptide let his minions rush the heroes down. He had a date with destiny. Riptide and Saccharine would clash, and their battle would be legendary!

“Now, where would a heroic Sweet Dream be,” the villain mused.

“Oh, duh!” he said, slapping his forehead. “Right in the middle of it!”

Laughing, the villain surfed toward the initial conflict, ready to take on the world.

Dextra hummed as they watched Cowabunga surf up toward them. Once again, the dominoes were lining up to fall in their favor. The foolish hero obviously misunderstood their intentions.

While yes, the spoken phase of the plan had been to overwhelm Cowabunga’s reactions, it had never been the entire plan. No, that would be the height of folly. Perhaps Dr. Zlo might do so, but never Dextra Black.

No Dextra had plans within plans within plans. And Cowabunga was again falling right into one.

The hero surfed past the controlled drones, each one firing as many blasts as they could toward the incoming hero. All the while, Dextra watched, measuring how fast Cowabunga reacted. Learning even as he destroyed the numerous investments into taking him out.

Eventually, Dextra could say they had learned enough. Now came the fun part. It was time for the mind to triumph over matter once again. With a smile, Dextra pressed the button to open the hangar, inviting the hero inside for their confrontation.

Shizuka laughed hyperactively as she bounced from wall to wall in search of her targets. Every once in a while she found a stray hero, or even villain, to mess with. The villains got ‘kick me’ signs and directions on where the fighting was while heroes just found themselves the target of many a clone.

And yet, despite running around like a chicken with its head cut off, Shizuka still hadn’t found her heroic counterpart. Honestly, boring.

“Come on! What’s a girl gotta do to fight her heroic alter ego!” she complained.

Suddenly, she noticed the morality machine in the distance. “Finally!”

With no care for stealth, Shizuka rushed toward the machine, ready to find nearby heroes and throw them inside. Never once did she see the white shadow moving behind her.

Sweet Dream grumbled as she continued to push against Mr. Black’s annoying traps. So far, it had been that one hero and machines. Machines all the way down. It was as if the heroes didn’t even want to fight! Which was stupid, because she knew that they were itching for combat.

That meant there were plans in motion that she couldn’t see. Which annoyed her. Plus, she kept having to use her chocolate to incapacitate a few machines each floor. Nothing debilitating, but it was certainly getting… annoying.

“This f*cker’s trying to bait me, isn’t he?” she muttered under her breath.

It would be right up Dextra’s alley to slowly whittle her down until she couldn’t fight back properly. Which meant it was likely up Mr. Black’s alley as well. Which sucked.

Sweet Dream groaned. She hated having to make decisions like this. Sure, slowly clearing out each floor as they moved toward Mr. Black meant everyone was safer, but it was so boring! And she was a girl of action.

Also, the others were getting antsy as well.

“Right!” she shouted. “This isn’t going fast enough. You, you, and you. Get up front. You’re our shields, got it?”

The three beefy, defensive villains nodded.

“You six,” she pointed to spellcasters. “You’re job is to shield our sides. Don’t let any fire through!”

They nodded.

Finally, she turned to three more defensively oriented villains. “You’re bringing up our rear. Everyone else, merge in the center! We’re rushing straight to Mr. Black!”

The villains cheered, happy to get a move on.

Underneath the city, far away from the fighting, a hero waited. He stood in front of numerous screens, eyes intently scanning every detail. An explorer’s hat rested on his head, the tan garb matching his fetching brown adventurer’s mustache. It twitched imperceptibly as a camera caught another Jacques strolling through the city as if it owned the place.

“Soon, my villainous foe,” Dr. Dobro whispered. “Soon we shall clash. But first, we must determine the proper field of battle!”

Behind him, a number of Dr. Dobro’s own staff were at work. They were magical constructs. Animated brooms, shovels, and other archaeological paraphernalia. The scratched out a pattern on the floor. A suspiciously magical sigil.

Dr. Dobro sighed as he watched another Jacques vandalize his fair city. But again, it was not yet time.