Reincarnated as a Phoenix

Chapter 192 – A Bite to Eat

‘Bleugh… I swear the taste of blood gets worse every time… status’

[Name: Ikarus   |   Species: Phoenix   |   Level: 999^]

[Health    166,666*/166,666*]

[Stamina 162,698*/166,666*]

[Magicka 166,666*/166,666*]

[You currently have 149501 unassigned points]

‘Yo Aesa, I’m guessing those extra ten levels have gone to waste then? That little arrow also means we’re stuck?’

After downing the demonic horn after witnessing something that breaks the Geneva convention multiple times, it’s now time to check the level as I should be one-thousand and nine right now if the cap didn’t exist. Apparently, I can’t even get to the thousand cap as well but already knew something like that may happen, Petra’s still stuck on the level beforehand as well.

[<Affirmative Ikarus, obviously we are stuck like this until demon lordship has been obtained>]

‘If that’s not a segue to another conversation, then I don’t know what is…’

“…Hey Asmodeus, do you seriously not know what to do next?”

We’re now back in the throne room after the incident and are currently standing around not exactly doing much, Leviathan being inside the prison really seems to have made him question everything. Even Empress Esmerelda isn’t sure what to say to our party, she has returned to her throne though.

“Honestly orange one… I’m puzzled. I’ve been working on pre-conceived motions for the longest of times, focused on ensuring the best possible outcome for all of us. I’m hoping we’re still on the right track, but who can really tell anymore?”

‘Damn, this guy actually seems depressed about this. That’s probably where his arrogant attitude comes from, remove the veil of knowing the future and he doesn’t know what to do with himself’

Just for the record, I’m not having sympathy for him, I’m just forcing out a little empathy more than anything else. If I don’t, we all know I’ll start rambling on about the dark side and all that cringy shit I normally do.

“What were you going to do after this Asmodeus? If Lucifer had already been killed?”

“In seven of the nine possibilities dark one, the next course of action would be heading towards the ice fields way up in the north”

‘Oh shit, here we go again, back to the freaking north. I’m okay with the cold but there’s no way everyone else will be as good… actually, most of us being able to use to fire may help a lot’

“Then that’s our only lead to follow, isn’t it? Unless you’ve got another idea, that’s where we’ll head”

At least Petra’s better at cheering her father up, fucker still doesn’t deserve it but an annoying happy demon lord is better than that sack of mess we just witnessed. It’s really unsettling to see him like that.

“Hell nah! As much as I love you girly boy, there’s no way I’m heading over there if you lot are going. It’s way too cold for dryads… where would I even form from if I died? Trees hate ice”

“Erk… finally can get rid of her for a bit”

“He-he, you love me really!”

While being her usual stupid self, the dryad basically squeezes an irritated Zeki, making what can only be said as a feast for the eyes with all the compressed planets bouncing off each other, if you’re into that sort of thing. I still don’t see the appeal in huge breasts other than for mocking Zeki purposes.

(Ikarus) “Regardless Ria, we’ve still got to wait for the cooldown as it’s still in effect”

Just twenty hours or so until Zeki can finally be free of his burden, obviously that’s not coming soon enough.

Anyways, now that’s kinda settled, we need to find something to do in the meantime, something to kill off the rest of the day… no! It’s way too early for that, I’m not saying me and Petra won’t do something later on but come on! We’re not that predictable, are we?

…

it’s probably for the best to find something fun to do with the party…

“We’ll probably be off Esmerelda so thanks for the help. It still doesn’t make up for what Desmond has done but he at least has avoided a groin kick… for now”

“Pleasure to see thous again. One should probably go find Des and figure out if thou is hiding or working, all are welcome to stay here for time being but, one may be bad company right now after that torturing… if Des isn’t working, one promises he will get it…”

Esmerelda starts to grumbling that last part under her breath as she goes in search of her husband, obviously looking to kick his arse? Ah, the joys of married life, I know exactly how it feels to hide from the other half so I can at least relate with the bastard a little on that.

“Please… don’t mind her you lot. The empress has had a lot on her plate with the heir stuff and with the constant arguing going on around here, the majesties haven’t had the time to let off some steam in a while”

Nathan actually comes over to us before leaving, obviously he feels the need to say why we didn’t get a proper invite for dinner or something. Pretty sure by letting off steam, he means they fight until one surrenders or ends up bloodying the other.

“What’s there even to argue about? If it’s politics, I can kinda understand but everyone seems just as goofy as us at times”

That, funnily enough gets a small pinch on my bottom for referring to us as ‘goofy’. Way to prove my point Petra!

“You have no idea Ikarus… there is literally a dedicated wing for the rejected concubines now, think the number hit twenty-seven last week? It’s been great for the purple hair dye business, not so great for everything else”

“Heh, don’t you be getting any ideas Ikarus. You’ve got me, the plushie and Aesa, that’s more than enough. Any black hair dye and we’ll have a problem”

Petra’s joke actually makes me snort from how abrupt that was, it wasn’t even that funny but she really just doesn’t care. At least the knight found smiled at it as well.

“Pleaseee, as if I could really use an entire platoon of Petra clones… damn it, why the hell did you put that thought in my head!? Please God, have mercy upon this sinful soul…”

__________

“Ikarus-sama, Petra-sama and Ariza-sama! What brings you all over here!?”

Just as we’re leaving the palace courtyard, we’re greeted by everyone’s favourite nun, succubus-sama! Man, I don’t even care that Charlotte wants to hug us all, and the fact that habit of her looks a bit dirty, feel like it’s been ages since we last saw each other. I guess it’s even longer for her because of the honeymoon time difference we experienced.

“Alright Charlotte? Where have you been?”

“Heh, yeah. Were you off on some sacred pilgrimage again?”

Ending the quick hug, Charlotte really does perk up when coming face to face with us. It’s almost a little cute how she can get like this to us three… and cake of course.

“Oh, sorry about that Ikarus-sama, know you’re not really a big hugger… Actually Petra-sama, this time around, it was time for another bandit crusade. Had to climb through caves to get to the heathens and even then, they still put up quite the fight. None survived the inevitable purging though…”

‘Even without Dionysus’s full backing, priestess is still a badass it seems’

“…What about you lot? What are you up to at the moment?”

“Honestly Charlotte… not much? We’re here for today but will be teleporting away tomorrow, assume we’re open to suggestions”

The reason for my vagueness is pretty obvious really. If any of us happen to mention we’ll be heading to the ice fields tomorrow, it won’t surprise me if she offers to help. Normally, I’d be up for it but not in a place as cold as that, it’ll be bad enough just for us phoenixes, but with someone who can’t use fire? Ria’s definitely got the right idea not wanting to go and Asmodeus has to come.

“Okay Ikarus-sama… I saw a new place open up on the way back into the city if you want to do that. Just, let me get Nathan quickly and we can do a triple date! Oh, with you Ariza-sama as well of course”

Thinking about it, we’re yet to even have a double date, yet alone a triple date so this could be kinda fun. I’m not really sure what we’ll talk about though, what do couples even talk about on dates like this? Eh, this seems like the perfect opportunity to just simply not care.

By the looks of it, one of us despairs at the idea on going out dating with others, almost looking like he wants to die inside. Unfortunately for him, that glare the dryad is giving him says it all, the obnoxious couple is coming along regardless if Zeki wants to or not.

…

There is one additional third wheel other than Ariza though, do any of us really have to say it out loud? My eyes say it all already, seven is fine but eight is way too much.

“Heh, your gaze hurts much more than any words orange one. Thankfully, I’m happy with us splitting for a while”

“Uh, what do you plan on doing Asmodeus?”

“Heh, thanks for asking blue one, I’ll tell you. Like how both the dark and orange one normally do things while on break, I’m heading straight to that brothel we teleported too earlier…”

__________

“Meowza! How can little ol’me-ow, take your order!?”

‘Oh dear God, this is ten times worse than anime. It’s so cringy!’

Arriving at a small little café with our triple date force, and Ariza, it somehow appears Charlotte has managed to find a maid café inside the huge capital. How something like this has somehow ended up in this world is beyond me, all the cringe levels have fused together for this very moment. A freaking medieval maid café.

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I’m not the only one desperately trying not to cringe up and want death, even Mr Obnoxious hates every second of this. Everyone else is just enjoying the experience though, this cute little café is like literal torture to us with somewhat male minds! Just speak normally, please!

“Heh, me and Ikarus will both have the omurice and a milkshake, then a slice of cheesecake”

“I’ll have the cake platter please… Nat, are you having anything?”

“I probably shouldn’t because of the knights diet Lotte… just the rice thing will do for me”

“Cupcakes and melon soda! Girly boy?”

“Erk… just the rice dish as well. I promise, if there’s a love heart made from ketchup on my plate, you don’t get a tip, alright?”

“Uh… I’ll just have a salad and a milkshake”

---

“Your order, is co-meowing, right up!”

‘I know it’s ironic for me to think it but… cringeeeee…’

Having now gotten our orders ready to go and losing that part of me that likes being cringy, it’s now time for conversation! Erm… okay, I knew this would feel a little weird since Charlotte called it a date.

I guess there’s no real need for anything too serious, especially when Petra's eyes have been glued to me ever since that meow-aid came over to us. I know exactly what she’s thinking…

“Petra… no! Don’t even think about it!”

“Heh, what Ikarus?”

“That glint of happiness in your eyes. We’ve done this fan service before so it’s not happening again, no cat ears or anything else will change that”

It doesn’t take a genius to understand exactly what’s she thinking… “oh, I’m Petra, I may have already seen Ikarus the maid but Ikarus the cat maid!?! It must happen!” Unfortunately for her, I’m being boring today, serving mistress Petra back at that café was something even I think was too much. Wanted the idiots to look down at me knowing their leader does weird shit but no, nothing ever goes to plan.

“Aww, you always take the fun out of it Ikarus. If you’re really not wanting to be fun, why don’t we see if someone else is willing?”

…

That gets a quick silence but not for the awkward reason you’d normally think, a very busty maid happens to catch pretty much everyone’s attention and heads out of sight right behind Zeki. If this isn’t a message from high up above, then my name isn’t Ikarus… I mean, it originally was Brooklyn but I’m making a point!

‘For a quick second, I though Petra was trying to get Aesa out, but this is way better development!’

“Erk, w-why are you all l-looking at me like that? As if I’m going to do what orangey has to go through, I fought off sis’s advances long ago!“

“Heh, my memory isn’t that bad Zeki. Remember when we got him in a sailor’s uniform Ariza? The one with the frilly skirt?”

“Uh huh Petra, he looked so freaking cute! I think that’s still in the cave somewhere”

‘Wait, Petra used to make Zeki dress up as well!? Ha! Poor idiotic Zeki… hey! is that weird? I mean, that’s our thing, right? Oh, I don’t care that much. Zeki, whether male or female would’ve looked adorable wearing something like that’

This of course makes Zeki wants to punch or kill something with the vein on his head bulging but thankfully, he’s a right tsundere when it comes to us teasing bird fam… oh, that was quick, our food is here already…

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“Don’t think I brought this to you because it’s my duty or anything…”

Like another miracle just waiting to happen, the woman to bring our food is a tsundere-maid. Slowly but surely, the universe is clearly saying Zeki needs to be the maid today, it’s inevitable!

Anyways, me and Petra start chowing down on our rice and milkshakes first while Ria has no intention to start on her plateful of cupcakes until the message from the higher powers get conveyed!

“Come on girly boy, don’t be like this! Everyone wants to see you all cute like that, just look at it like this is your purpose in life! I’m stuck with boring trees and you need to be female, it’s perfect!”

While Ria is trying to work her speech check, that busty maid walks past drawing everyone’s attention again. She’s like a blur by how fast she moves but I swear, they must be fake. That can’t be possible, even in this world of magic so best just get this food down and ignore it. This omurice is alright but honestly nothing special, don’t think people come to maid cafés for the food anyways. It’s clearly for the service…

“Cow, there is literally nothing you can threaten me with that will get me wearing something that dumb. Try it, extend my sentence for a year or ten, I couldn’t care, I’m still not doing it”

I want to get depressed from his stubbornness but, while there’s still a chance Zeki may become a maid, it must be at least attempted further. If threats don’t work on him this time, we’ll just have to resort to barter.

“You could just take a different route Ria and bribe him, there must be something Zeki wants in exchange for embarrassing himself”

“Heh, works for me with Ikarus most of the time”

“Hey! That’s bs Petra and you know it, I basically work for free getting your attention! Don’t be saying I get paid for shit when I clearly don’t, kisses and love don’t count”

That gets another quick chuckle out of the reasonable lot of the group, as if Petra pays me for getting flustered! I like her attention and she likes me embarrassed, being paid in attention doesn’t count because she’d still be fixed to me regardless. Sounds a bit arrogant but we are both addicted to each other by this point, no harm in actually admitting to it.

“He-he… hmm… I’ve got it! How does a threesome with my sister sound girly boy?”

‘I know something smart, let’s talk about a threesome in the middle of a freaking maid café! No one else seems to be listening in but still, there’s freaking children around here Ria!’

There are also quite the few couples in here thinking about it, you’d think this place would attract lonely guys but the clientele seems pretty normal. There still are a few loners about but not many, half the loners are women as well.

“Don’t toy with me cow… you can actually arrange that? Don’t get me wrong, her jugs aren’t as good as yours but sometimes, size does matter”

“Well, she now owes me a favour Zeki, you can thank my research on cactuses again for that... You know, I think she’d like it, she’s never been able to get a partner of her own, due to work so a night of pure passion filled fun will do her some good”

‘Urgh, it’s cacti Ria… Look, even if we get past the extremely personal conversation they should be having elsewhere, is this dryad incest or will Leah and Ria only focus on Zeki? Eh, I don’t want to picture it but I can’t help myself, I could imagine it would be like Newton’s cradle but with breasts instead of balls…’

“Wait, is your sister a virgin Ria? Erk, don’t answer that… it’s tempting, but I don’t know”

All of a sudden, Zeki completely disappears from view when another maid comes to check up on us. When I say I’m not exaggerating in the slightest, I’m not. Those fuckers put mother to shame, has she got an elephant’s spine or something!?!

“Sorry to interrupt you all, but are you enjoying yourself? Is everything with the food okay?”

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(Ikarus) “Mhm… all good”

‘Bloody hell… those just can’t be real’

“Heh, same”

“Uh huh, this is lovely, thank you”

(Charlotte) “These cakes are perfect”

(Nathan) “Yeah yeah, all fine”

In all honesty, I think the clearly fake planet carrier is worried because Ria hasn’t touched anything on her plate yet. If only she knew just how much Zeki needs to suffer, for anything in the past or what his future self will eventually do.

“Excuse me Miss Maid, do you think you could use any help? My Zeki here is really wanting to do a good deed and the thought of being a maid makes him really happy”

“Really!? You have no idea how much that helps! You know, I wanted to personally ask you since one of my girls couldn’t come in today and the size and colour is tailor made for her… or him? Ah, it doesn’t matter, come with me!”

Without even getting to respond, Zeki finds himself being dragged away by the gravity defying maid and Ria, kicking and screaming like his life depends on it. Maybe that last part I made up but he sure ain’t happy about this.

‘And, all the fates aligned to this one moment. If we were back on Earth right now, I’d be buying a lotto ticket with how lucky we’ve been with this. Who even needs cake when this will be so much sweeter…’

__________

“E-Erk… A-Are you all d-done yet or would y-you like something else?”

…

“Petra, please pinch me”

“Heh, you’re not dreaming Ikarus. I’m seeing it as well”

“Uh huh, this is awesome”

“Hehe, this is pretty funny. You remember when you were Natty for a little bit as well Nat?”

“Yeah, that was quite the experience Lotte… do a little spin for us Zeki”

“Miss Maid… please tell me you have a spare!?! Girly boy needs to wear this for a week at least, I’ll pay anything!”

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---Excuse the apron, didn't see it originally...

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“Unfortunately, this is the only one we have in his size. I can always put in an order for our tailor though”

“Do that! For the love of all trees and cactuses, please do that!”

Honestly, seeing Zeki in this maid costume is like finding a diamond or winning something so unbelievably great. It just fits him so well, like he was born to be an angry maid.

“This might be the b-… second best day of my life kid. When you die, we’re burying you in that”

Has to make sure I get that right otherwise the other half might bite. Thankfully, I just get a gleeful smile in return and her knowing none the wiser or Petra just humouring me. Can’t exactly say this is better than the wedding or some of the other shit Petra’s done for me… it comes dangerously close though.

“Erk, r-really orangey? Do y-you get off seeing me like this!?”

“Of course not kid but, we’ve all been there, just take your dose of gender bending medicine and power through it. I will have you know, I’m unsure of any orangey around here, I’m just a paying customer right now”

“R-Really orangey? We’re going to do this?”

“Is that a name or are you calling me an orange? The nerve on this maid, jeez”

Already knowing what’s up, Zeki’s aura gets even gloomier realizing I’m not holding back at all. If he looks the part, he better damn well play the part as well! Everyone wants it so best I be the person responsible.

“Erk, f-fine then… would Miss I-I-Ikarus like s-something else?”

“Tut tut tut… That’s pretty informal to be using my common name like that as well, is this maid defective or something? Can I see your manager please?”

“Heh, yeah, does everyone get terrible service in this place as well?”

Thankfully, the manager, or the person somehow carrying the weight of the world on her chest was already here to hear my complaints, smiling as much as we are. She knows what’s up.

“My apologies fine customer, this maid hasn’t been broken in just yet so excuse any mistakes she makes. She’s a little dumb behind the ears as well”

“Erk… *unintelligent grumbling*… ”

‘His blood must be seething now, maybe I should lay off a little but why is no one stopping me!?’

…

Eventually, after deciding on some drinks for what the maid can get us, of course we’re not done in this place living through this perfect moment, Zeki goes off to fetch some stuff all the while being heavily guided by the manager. All of us, even Ariza is struggling to hold back laughter, it says a lot those stupid breasts should be getting more attention but Zeki’s misery is best for all. At least he’s getting something in return for it this time around.

‘Hang the fuck on… does Zeki prefer going commando as well!? That skirt is way too dangerous’

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---Somehow, this image shows a little ass despite it being created on a site that doesn’t allow NSFW? Not going to risk it, I’m afraid…

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Okay, my urge to mock him has dwindled a bit if that’s how far he’s willing to take this, fair play because if he falls over, that’s a public indecency charge waiting to happen. I’m basically risking that all the time as well, this bird will always be free… except to my wife, of course.

‘You know, this triple date has turned out better than expected. This is why you have Zeki around, not for his riveting personality but for his body alone. He probably should’ve worn underwear though…’