Godclads

Oh, Veylis, my dear sweet girl, the best people you will meet in this life are not the ones who seek to control you or the ones who seek to empower you completely.

Both are acts of delusion.

Both occupy extremes, extremes that do not aid a warrior.

You want someone that understands you, that allows you to be who you are, but, when the time comes, when they see you approaching the edge, they reach out and stop you from hurting yourself. For it is a pleasure being a Glaive.

But without preceding cause, all the killing gets rather monotonous and dull and senseless. Amusing, but senseless.

That's just the thing.

Give your life some flavor. Be kind to yourself. Be cruel toward your adversaries.

But be serious when choosing who you offer your heart to, for those are the ones who sculpt us.

-Zein Thousandhand​

31-6

Weight to Bear​

—[Shotin]—​

"Wait, hold on. So you're telling me that when she turned sixteen, her dad rented out an entire megablock for her, and you guys did… what was it?" Chambers waved for Shotin to elaborate.

"A Cogni-augmented immersive murder mystery experience," Shotin muttered. "Fucking… she was into detective shit, alright. There was a show back in the day. Uh, False Seer Juna. Kare loved it. So, that's what she got on her namesday."

Chamber threw up his hands. "You know what I got when I was sixteen? Was busy trying to buy a new kidney after my last one got repossessed. Caught an aratnid because I was lonely and wanted a consang, but ended up losing him in a gambling den to a Scaarthian with no teeth later that night. And mean, Kare here had a whole megablock to herself. Holy shit. And how many people attended?"

"Two thousand," Shotin answered.

Chambers choked. "Two thousand people, just to celebrate a girl's Namesday? Fucking nuts, consang. I don't even know two thousand people. Not actually, anyway."

"Yeah, I don't either," Shotin replied with a shrug. "But the clan does. The clan has a hell of a lot more than just two thousand. And the sixteenth namesday is very important. It's when someone's supposed to become an adult."

"Huh, what do you mean, 'becomes an adult?'"

"It's a cultural thing," Shotin finally sighed. He laughed, just after. "Kare tried to skip hers. She, um, she didn't want to be a burden. She never wanted to be a burden. She was always thoughtful, meticulous, cared about other people more than herself. I think she got that from her mother, but I don't know. My sister was a lot of things, but she was tight with her imps and held a grudge like you wouldn't believe. Kare..." He looked at his dead niece again. "She was as close to a decent person as I would ever know."

"Yeah, I believe you," Chambers responded. "Don't know many glassers I like, but, you know. Naeko liked her, that guy with the weird beard liked her, Avo liked her, and, well, there's a reason why he really, really tried to keep her alive. Did everything he could." He caught Shotin's flat stare and grunted. "You know we fought Zein Thousandhand to keep her alive, right? Got my blades shredded by that old bitch."

Despite the sorrow consuming him, Shotin still blinked with surprise. "You? Fought Zein Thousandhand."

"The entire cadre rolled up on her ass, my guy. And she beat all of our asses so bad. It was ugly. It took Quail Fucking Tavers sneaking up on her and stabbing her through the skull for the rest of us to escape. Look, the point is, I'm sorry she's gone. I would do just about anything for you to feel better right now. No one deserves to feel like shit. But I wasn't bluffing. We did try. We did all we could. No one wanted this. No one."

Shotin regarded Chambers for a few minutes longer, and he planted his elbows on his knees. "You know, I do recall tearing your balls off back at Veng's Stand."

"Yeah. And I clutched yours in Avo's Soulscape," Chambers shrugged. "Still wasn't as bad as Zein fucking me up. But still. You popped mine off like a turnip."

"You sprayed a fucking penile blast made out of burning spiders and insects at me," Shotin sneered. "The fuck was wrong with you."

"I was trying to rash your ass."

"You succeeded. Fuck you."

"Yeah? Fuck you too. What did you expect me to do, fight you seriously? No. I had one fucking trick and I was gonna godsdamn use it."

The sheer absurdity of the conservation cracked something inside Shotin. He was still hurting. Still miserable. But this was… it was getting to be too much. He let out a chuckle that turned to a cough. "What the fuck is my life?'

"Hey, I ask myself that shit all the time. Haven't got an answer yet, though." Chambers looked up at the ceiling and smiled softly. "But you know what? I don't think I actually need an answer anymore. I'm just glad I'm still here. Still in the game. Can still do some shit for those around me. I've lived a pretty bad life so far, Silver. But I think I'm going to try to do better now. I have to. Because I can."

A building disbelief was rising through Shotin. He didn't know Chambers very well—didn't much like him at all before. Frankly, someone giving you the rash as a first impression was usually a dealbreaker for most relationships, but somehow, in some fucked-up way, Chambers was proving to be kind of charming. Genuine. Not many people were in the city. Kare was one. Was.

"Anyway, yeah, so, everything's fucked. Yo, thanks for telling me about your niece, but, uh—" he gestured at Kare with a wince. "I want you to know this isn't over. This isn't done. Death doesn't have to be right now. You can grieve as long as you want, but with the chance of bringing her back, of doing the right thing—listen, I'm gonna give you a bullshit speech about how you're supposed to—"

He let out a huff. "I'm new to this pep-talk stuff. If Avo was here, you'd probably already be happy, twist your mind into being a happy pretzel,"

Shotin shook his head. "No. I don't want that. I did… my Heavens, my wards were all meant to protect my mind. I spent years facing other clans—thought I was untouchable. The Burning Dreamer consuming me… Fucking is a scar of shame. And I don't want to feel right. Not with her gone. I want to be me. And I'd rather you be talking to me than some monster. Than—" he wanted to blame the Dreamer, but according to Chambers, they were the only ones even trying to save Kare. Them. Instead of him. He didn't even really know her life was in danger. And when things got bad, she didn't call for him first.

What the fuck did that say about Shotin Kazahara? What was the fuck was the point of him if he couldn't even protect the ones he cared about. "I'm fucking worthless."

Now it was Chambers' turn to stare at him. "You too, huh? Looks like the low gets everyone."

"No," Shotin replied. "It's not just some low. It's just… I'm a selfish fuck. I knew that. I lived my entire life doing what I wanted. Living how I enjoyed. Sure, I loved my family, but they were second. Second to me. I was good enough, skilled enough, audacious enough to get where I got. And you know what people said about me? Said I was born wrong. Said I should have been a Gold, but ended up in a Silver's body. And they were right. And they were right."

"You're not that selfish," Chambers said. "You're sitting here, crying over your niece. Got like, a billion fucking memories of her—your sister too. You choked when you talked about how you didn't know what to say to her father. You… I guess you enjoy your life a lot. Guess you lose track of people, but honestly? I'm jealous of her. I'd love for someone to be crying over me if I went. Or someone to think of me in general. Means my life meant something to somebody."

A wounded silence settled between the two. Chambers, rooted to Shotin's mind, stared miserably at Kare's corpse. "Fucking… Kae's dead two. Found her in pieces as well. There's just… nothing for it. No… no noise or major moment. It wasn't like the vics. She was just… pieces too. Too late for me to do anything. Couldn't manage anything at all."

"The Agnos?" Shotin asked.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. Fucking D'Rongo cocksuckers shame the Ori. Cunts. Should've snuffed the fuckers when I could. Damn the consequences." He eyed Chambers. "You cared for her?"

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"Yeah." Chambers sniffled as he nodded.

A beat followed. "You love her?"

Now, Chambers met Shotin's eyes. "I… don't gotta clue, consang. I think I… I cared for her. I think I saw her as someone that should've got a better deal. Me, I did some pretty ugly shit to get by, consang. I don't wanna die, but if I did… can't say it wasn't right. Her, though, she had all those dreams and did all that stuff for the city's future. There was a hope to her. A future. Something I never had until Avo came along. And it was taken from her. Guess I just… fucking hated the injustice of it all. And… she treated me. Like a person. I liked that. I liked that a lot."

"Well. I guess things aren't over for her either, are they?" Shotin took in a deep breath as he mustered his broken resolve. "If… if something of my niece remains in the Dreamer and this can be undone through the Ladder, then…"

"Yeah," Chambers nodded. "So. Fight's not done. None of this is over. But we're gonna need you. Because I sure as shit can't do this alone. And neither can Draus. We're all a little fucked up and lost, but so are the Guilds. So there's an opening. A chance we can make this all right and bring this bullshit to a final end."

Shotin rolled his shoulders as he glared through the shimmering barrier that was his phase cage. "I counted four Godclads. I can still feel them. Just one cadre meant to watch over me. Two Rendbombs connected to my cage. You think you can disable their triggers?"

"Draus is probably already on that," Chambers replied. "But yeah." He grinned. "If you need my help, just call. Just call, and I'll make everyone here black out from cumming."

The Seeker known as Planeshift was just about to nod in accord when he froze and did a double-take. "Wait, the fuck?"

"Yeah, so the Domain of Lust lets me amplify how hard people bust—and make them bust at will."

A sense of surrealism entered the conversation. How in the fuck did he end up here. What was this? "I—"

"I'm still not the best at controlling this shit," Chambers said, gritting his teeth. "But I think I can get a handle on myself when there's just a few people. I test this miracle on some of my copies and let me tell you, it works. It works really, really good. As it turns out, since everyone in this city has been pent up for years, it doesn't take much for them to pass out—"

"Jaus. Fuck! Stop! Stop!" Shotin said. His hands shot up to cover his years. "Chambers… what the fuck are you even talking about."

"What? I'm the new God of Love. It's just one of my Domains. It's perfectly nonlethal too. As long as I'm careful with their hydration levels. But the Bioigniter helps with that."

"I—" Words failed Shotin. Thoughts failed him too. "I… Okay. Yeah. Sure. What the fuck. But sure."

"I'm serious."

"I know." Shotin snapped. "Doesn't actually change my fucking reaction. Holy fuck. And you're the only one in the city who has this power?"

"Well, there was my evil pathborn twin dispatched by Veylis—"

"What?"

"But that half-strand was pretty messed up. Make a couple of Seekers birth a homunculus into each other by creating some kind of cock-womb-pussy conjoinment tube.' If Shotin's eyebrows could climb any higher, they would vanish into his actual hair. "But he was made wrong. Called himself the Fuckbringer. Was just some kind of mentally deranged sex-addicted monster."

"Right," Shotin whispered. "So. What's the difference between him and you?"

"Man, fuck you, Shotin. Stop attacking me. I'm trying to get my ass to do better. Why do you think I've spent the past few hours here with you instead of just mangling your memories or some shit? I respect people's personal uh… what you call it?"

"Autonomy?"

"Yeah! That! As long as they're not trying to kill me, I don't force them to have sex with each other. I'm the Lovebringer. Not the Fuckbringer. Do I know what love is? No. Am I the best person for it? Fuck no. But guess what, this is how things are. The world fucking kills the best of us while dealing the shitty ones a good hand sometimes."

Chambers seemed genuinely offended. And Shotin… was ashamed. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to—I say things. And I usually don't think about what I say." He hammered the back of his head against the alloyed wall of his makeshift cage. He just couldn't make things right.

A slight huff escaped Chambers. "Yeah. It's fine. I guess I'm not the easiest person to get along with."

Shotin snorted. "Bullshit. You're not. You wanna know why? Because I'm hard to get along with. I fuck everything up with everyone. With my sister. With my niece. Lovers. I just take and take and speak and speak. And then I hurt people. Because I get caught up in my head and keep them out with my walls. So I regret it afterward. And now, I'm spilling my guts to you. Someone I barely know. Because I'm alone. And because you're the closest thing I have left to a consang around here."

He looked down at Kare's corpse and shook his head. She was gone. But there was a thread that joined him to her even beyond the reach of death. And another between him and Chambers. Chambers claimed it was some fuckery about the Heaven of Love. Well. Whatever it was, it grounded Shotin. Pulled him out of the catatonic spiral. Back to the pain. Back to himself. "Thanks for being here for me."

"Don't mention it. You know—" Chambers sudden went quiet and lifted his head. "Huh. One of the Instruments is coming for us."

"What?" Shotin said. True to Chambers' words, a Godclad wearing a full body combat skin designed in the shape of a golden skeleton approached Shotin's prison.

"Felt him because of the link he had with two of his consangs. Apparently, he's double-timing them. Got two mind-affairs going on—and so do they. Fuck me are people unfaithful in this city."

Shotin pressed his lips together. Yeah. Been there, done that. He wasn't one to judge at all.

As the Instrument came closer, Shotin rose to his feet and rolled his neck. "Chambers—"

"Don't worry. He can't see me. I'm just hiding in your mind. But I can pull them. Use their bonds against them. Just give me a cast."

Right. Here they came, time to—

"Seeker Shotin Kazahara," the Instrument said, voice distorted by their combat-skin, "We have explicit orders from Acting Authority Mondelles to release and escort you into his office. He wants you to know that you have mutual business to discuss. Please do not try to resist. Please do not initiate combat. You are trapped aboard Axtraxis Academy. There are at least a hundred other Godclade cadres here and no real way out."

A vicious scowl spread across Shotin's features. He could practically read the nervousness radiating off this Instrument's posture. They knew about him. Felt the dread of his reputation.

"Sorry," Shotin said, "but I'm afraid I'm not that good at following orders. Never was. Big reason why I don't get along with other clans."

"We are aware of that, Seeker," the Instrument said. "But, uh, that wasn't a threat. That was me asking for my life. Please don't kill me and my Cadre. I know what you did during the war. I reviewed the footage. I ran the simulations. I know how a fight between us will unfold. We would be forced to trigger the Rendbombs."

That gave Shotin a brief pause. A humble and anxious Highflame soldier. He hadn't met many of those in his life.

A laugh sounded from Chambers. "Oh, shit. Draus did it. She managed to get to Mondelles. Just got a cast, consang. You're going upstairs. No need to snuff our way out after all."

No need…

With a projection of ghosts, the Highflamer disabled Shodan's phase cage. A gust of cold winds flowed through, and the Instrument came to a halt right before Kare's body. "We'll make sure she's, uh, properly stored, preserved for funerary rites. If that is your desire."

"No," Shotin said. Instead, he brought down a spatial stack and swept Kare away—pulled her into his innermost plane for safekeeping. He was a selfish shit. And Kare was always going to be his to carry. "She is my weight. She'll always be my weight to bear." Shifting his gaze up, Shotin watched as the Instrument flinched. "You, though, can start walking. And get me some alcohol on the way. I've been here all fucking day, and I think since I'm not quite a prisoner anymore, that you should get your guest some godsdamn lubrication."